Why You Must Be The Luckiest Guy On Earth!

Since It Is The Week Of Christmas:

This one was discovered by my #2 son, and within a couple of days went viral and national. Since it was written with a tad bit of animosity I will not label it the GOAT, that honor has to stay with the man, the myth, the legend: William Freddie McCullough. But this is a good one:

Renay Mandel Corren El Paso, TX

A plus-sized Jewish lady redneck died in El Paso on Saturday.

Of itself hardly news, or good news if you're the type that subscribes to the notion that anybody not named you dying in El Paso, Texas is good news. In which case have I got news for you: the bawdy, fertile, redheaded matriarch of a sprawling Jewish-Mexican-Redneck American family has kicked it. This was not good news to Renay Mandel Corren's many surviving children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, many of whom she even knew and, in her own way, loved. There will be much mourning in the many glamorous locales she went bankrupt in: McKeesport, PA, Renay's birthplace and where she first fell in love with ham, and atheism; Fayetteville and Kill Devil Hills, NC, where Renay's dreams, credit rating and marriage are all buried; and of course Miami, FL, where Renay's parents, uncles, aunts, and eternal hopes of all Miami Dolphins fans everywhere, are all buried pretty deep. Renay was preceded in death by Don Shula.

Because she was my mother, the death of zaftig good-time gal Renay Corren at the impossible old age of 84 is newsworthy to me, and I treat it with the same respect and reverence she had for, well, nothing. A more disrespectful, trash-reading, talking and watching woman in NC, FL or TX was not to be found. Hers was an itinerant, much-lived life, a Yankee Florida liberal Jewish Tough Gal who bowled 'em in Japan, rolled 'em in North Carolina and was a singularly unique parent. Often frustrated by the stifling, conservative culture of the South, Renay turned her voracious mind to the home front, becoming a model stay at home parent, a supermom, really, just the perfect PTA lady, volunteer, amateur baker and-AHHAHAA HA! HA! HA! Just kidding, y'all! Renay - Rosie to her friends, and this was a broad who never met a stranger - worked double shifts with Doreen, ate a ton of carbs with Bernie, and could occasionally be stirred to stew some stuffed cabbage for the kids. She played cards like a shark, bowled and played cribbage like a pro, and laughed with the boys until the wee hours, long after the last pin dropped. At one point in the 1980's, Renay was the 11th or 12th-ranked woman in cribbage in America, and while that could be a lie, it sounds great in print. She also told us she came up with the name for Sunoco, and I choose to believe this, too. Yes, Renay lied a lot. But on the plus side, Renay didn't cook, she didn't clean, and she was lousy with money, too. Here's what Renay was great at: dyeing her red roots, weekly manicures, dirty jokes, pier fishing, rolling joints and buying dirty magazines. She said she read them for the articles, but filthy free speech was really Renay's thing. Hers was a bawdy, rowdy life lived large, broke and loud. We thought Renay could not be killed. God knows, people tried. A lot. Renay has been toying with death for a decades, but always beating it and running off in her silver Chevy Nova. Covid couldn't kill Renay. Neither could pneumonia twice, infections, blood clots, bad feet, breast cancer twice, two mastectomies, two recessions, multiple bankruptcies, marriage to a philandering Sergeant Major, divorce in the 70's, six kids, one cesarean, a few abortions from the Quietly Famous Abortionist of Spring Lake, NC or an affair with Larry King in the 60's. Renay was preceded in death by her ex-boyfriend, Larry King. Renay was also sadly preceded in death by her beloved daughter, Cathy Sue Corren Lester Trammel Webster, of Kill Devil Hills, NC, who herself was preceded in death by two marriages, a fudge shop and one eyeball lost in a near-fatal Pepsi bottle incident that will absolutely be explored in future obituaries. Losing her 1-eyed badass b**** of a daughter in 2007 devastated Renay, but it also made her quite homeless, since Cathy pretty much picked up the tab. A talented and gregarious grifter, Renay M. Corren eked out her final years of luxury (she literally retired at 62) under the care, compassion, checking accounts and, evidently, unlimited patience of her favorite son and daughter-in-law, Michael and Lourdes Corren, of world-famous cow sanctuary El Paso, TX. Renay is also survived by her son Jeffrey Corren and his endlessly tolerant wife Shirley, of Powell's Point, NC; Scott Corren, and what's left of his colon, of Hampton, VA; Marc and Laura Corren, the loveliest dirt farmers of Vernon, TX (seriously, where is that); and her favorite son, the gay one who writes catty obituaries in his spare time, Andy Corren, of - obviously - New York City. Plus two beloved granddogs, Mia and Hudson. Renay was particularly close to and grateful for the lavish attentions of her granddaughter Perla and her great-grandchildren Elijah and Leroy, as well as her constant cruise companions Sam Trammell of Greenville, NC, and Adam Corren of El Paso, TX. Renay took tremendous pride in making 1 gay son and 2 gay grandchildren, Sam Trammell and Adam Corren.

There will be a very disrespectful and totally non-denominational memorial on May 10, 2022, most likely at a bowling alley in Fayetteville, NC. The family requests absolutely zero privacy or propriety, none what so ever, and in fact encourages you to spend some government money today on a 1-armed bandit, at the blackjack table or on a cheap cruise to find our inheritance. She spent it all, folks. She left me nothing but these lousy memories. Which I, and my family of 5 brothers and my sister-in-laws, nephews, friends, nieces, neighbors, ex-boyfriends, Larry King's children, who I guess I might be one of, the total strangers who all, to a person, loved and will cherish her. Forever. Please think of the brightly-frocked, frivolous, funny and smart Jewish redhead who is about to grift you, tell you a filthy joke, and for Larry King's sake: LAUGH. Bye, Mommy. We loved you to bits.

RIP RENAY MANDEL CORREN 10 MAY 1937 - 11 DEC 2021

Some editor's notes:

1. When was the last time you read the adjective "zaftig" anywhere? I bet you, like me will have to look it up, it means obese. 

2. Did you know that cribbage players could be ranked nationally? Neither did I, and you would think I would know things like that, since I am the ninth ranked national Jeopardy-stay-at-home-and-answer-the-questions-to-myself contestant. Or as we like to call it, the JSAHAATQTO.

3. I invented the sarcastic version of the term whateeeeeeeever. Please remember to add that to my obituary, no wait, second thought, don't. But please add that my secret superpower is that I can pick up my stapler and know when it is empty. You will  be happy to know that I only use this superpower for good, never for evil.

4. Vernon, TX is northwest of Wichita Falls, TX. Annually the Dallas News has an article which lists the top ten worst jobs in Texas. Each year one of the top ten is "any job in Wichita Falls." Go ahead, look it up. I can only imagine that Vernon amps that condition up a notch. Vernon is the hometown of Roy Orbison and Kenneth Starr, who? Ringo's cousin. 

Now that was a Christmas story!

OK One More Take On This Mess

One week later I am still beyond irate, however, I have come to grips with the new champion based on one overlooked fact:

Driver	Season(s)	Total
Nelson Piquet	1987	1
Ayrton Senna	1988, 1990–1991	3
Alain Prost	1989	1
Max Verstappen	2021	1

This is the first Honda driver's championship since 1991, and as you can see, that one was a special one!

So congratulations to the soon to be gone Honda engine builders, and be sure to tune in next week for a very special return to the macabre featuring an unbelievable obituary "unearthed" by #2 son.

OK I Changed My Mind

I said I was finished talking about the Dubai race, well I guess I wasn't. I read this today and it was so well written I have to share it.

Susie Wolff weighed in with

"Going into the race weekend in Abu Dhabi, I believed both teams and both drivers deserved to win. It was going to be a spectacle, a historic race that we all hoped would end without controversy. That wasn’t to be.

What happened is still hard to comprehend and leaves me with a sick feeling. Not the losing - and not Max or RedBull - they are deserving winners and we always knew it was a strong possibility we may not win - but the way in which Lewis was robbed has left me in utter disbelief.

The decision of one person within the governing body who applied a rule in a way that has never been done before in F1 single-handedly decided the F1 Driver World Championship. Rules are rules, they can’t be changed on a whim by one individual at the end of a race.

Lewis Hamilton you have shown incredible integrity and dignity in the face of injustice. You are the greatest there has ever been. The outcome of the last laps on Sunday? Those who know, they know, even those who can’t quite bring themselves to admit it.

Congratulations Max and congratulations to each and every member of Mercedes-AMG Petronas Formula One Team on your record-breaking eighth constructor's title - I hope by March of next year there is a governing body with sporting integrity and fairness at its core so I can fall back in love with F1."

Well said, thank you. 

And That Is All I Have To Say About That

From WIKI:

During the 2021 Abu Dhabi Grand Prix, Masi was involved in a safety car procedure controversy. On lap 56 of the race, during which Lewis Hamilton was leading, it was deemed that lapped cars would not be allowed to retake their lap, but abruptly on lap 57, Masi changed the decision. He however only allowed the five cars directly in front of championship contender Max Verstappen to unlap themselves before the restart. This allowed Verstappen, who had pitted into soft tyres, a chance to overtake Hamilton, and with that win the 2021 World Drivers' Championship. Mercedes protested the race result, on the grounds that Masi did not follow the correct procedure, by arbitrarily allowing the cars directly in front of Verstappen to unlap themselves, and no others, despite initially rejecting requests from Red Bull to do so. The team argued that this was a breach of Article 48.12 of the 2021 FIA Formula One Sporting Regulations, and if procedure was followed, it would have secured Hamilton's 8th Worlds Drivers' Championship. The protest was rejected.

Masi's decisions were criticized on social media and by racing drivers as unusual and to contrive excitement. Former world champion Damon Hill noted that the decision appeared without precedent, stating that it was "a new way of running the sport, where the Race Director can make these ad hoc decisions". Former world champion Nico Rosberg felt that Masi "did not follow the rules" and that Christian Horner demanding "one more lap of racing" to Masi via radio was inappropriate. McLaren driver Daniel Ricciardo commented that Masi's decision to let other drivers unlap, but not him, was unusual.

Williams driver George Russell criticized the events, stating that it was "absolutely unacceptable".[20] McLaren driver Lando Norris suggested that the decision was made to create an entertaining finish to the race, and "made for TV".[21] Writing for Fox Sports, Jack Austin stated that F1 "engineered" the finish to increase viewer excitement. Jordan Bianchi of The Athletic echoed a similar sentiment, suggesting that Masi's decision was to ensure that "Netflix gets another juicy storyline for the next season of Drive to Survive" and questioned his capability in effectively officiating a race.

The FIA defended Masi's decision, stating that the Race Director has the "overriding authority" to amend any rule regarding safety car procedure as they wish.

Mercedes announced their intentions to appeal under article 15 of the International Sporting Code and Article 10 of the FIA's Judicial and Disciplinary Code.

 Yes, This Is A Christmas Story!

..............if you grew up in Rocky Mount.

In eastern North Carolina we like to tell stories and every now and then one of them is true. 

You have no doubt heard many beautiful Christmas stories, mostly about the birth of Christ. Some are updated, about how soldiers in the Civil War through WW2 would sing Christmas carols across no man's land, excuse me while I wipe a tear from the corner of my eye. Others might feature a family coming back together in time for Christmas Eve. Hallmark has introduced us to a new genre about, well, I don't know what they are about, I just know they start in August. One of my favorite secular stories is about Kris Kringle at Macy's. And then there are the Griswold adventures with whom many of us can identify.

But this morning I remember one of the most sentimental stories of all, and yes, it came out of eastern NC. What you say? Yes, the story of Horace the mule. I am already swelling up with a saline solution in my eyes just thinking about it. So here for your reading pleasure, is the story of Horace the mule. Please share it with all of your family, especially the toddlers:

The story of the ill-fated adventures of Horace the Mule, made famous by the late Edmund Harding of Washington, was the topic of a column by Vernon Sechriest, who was managing editor of the Evening Telegram for many years before his death in 1990. It became a holiday favorite in the Rocky Mount area.

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Mrs. George Wood, now deceased, of Chowan County had a mule who was named Horace. On Christmas Eve she called up Dr. Satterfield in Edenton and said to him, “Doctor, Horace is sick, and I wish you would come take a look at him.”

Dr. Satterfield said, “Oh Fannie Lamb, it’s after 6 o’clock, and I’m eating supper. Give him a dose of mineral oil, and if he isn’t all right in the morning, phone me, and I’ll come out and take a look at him.”

“How’ll I give it to him?,” she inquired.

“Through a funnel,” replied the good doctor.

“But, he might bite me,” she protested.

“Oh, Fannie Lamb — you’re a farm woman, and you know about these things. Give it to him through the other end.”

So Fannie Lamb went out to the barn, and there stood Horace, with his head held down, just moaning and groaning.

She looked around for a funnel, but the nearest thing she could see to one was her Uncle Bill’s fox hunting horn, hanging on the wall, a beautiful gold-plated instrument with gold tassels hanging from it.

She took the horn and affixed it properly. Horace paid no attention.

Then she reached up on the shelf where medicines for the farm animals were kept. But instead of picking up the mineral oil, she picked up a bottle of turpentine and she poured a liberal dose into the horn.

Horace raised his head with a sudden jerk.

He let out a yell that could have been heard a mile away.

He reared up on his hind legs, brought his front legs down, knocked out the side of the barn, jumped a 5-foot fence and started down the road at a mad gallop.

Now Horace was in pain, so every few jumps he made, that horn would blow.

All the dogs in the neighborhood knew that when that horn was blowing it meant that Uncle Bill was going fox hunting. So down the highway they went, close behind Horace.

(Editor's note: As Gomer Pyle said, this here is my favorite part)

It was a marvelous sight. First, Horace — running at top speed; the horn, in a most unusual position, the mellow notes issuing therefrom; the tassels waving; and the dogs, barking joyously.

They passed by the home of Old Man Harvey Hogan, who was sitting on his front porch, well into the cups as they say down east. He hadn’t drawn a sober breath in 15 years, and he gazed in fascinated amazement at the sight that unfolded itself before his eyes.

Incidentally, Harvey is now head man of Alcoholics Anonymous in the Albemarle section of the state.

By this time it was good and dark. Horace and the dogs were approaching the Chowan River Bridge.

The bridgetender heard the horn blowing and figured a boat was approaching. So he hurriedly went out and elevated the bridge.

Horace went over the edge, straight into the river and was drowned. The dogs jumped into the water, but they could swim and climbed out without much difficulty.

Now it so happened that the bridgetender was running for the office of sheriff of Chowan County, but he managed to get only seven votes.

The people figured that any man who didn’t know the difference between a mule with a horn up his rear and a boat coming down the Inland Waterway wasn’t fit to hold any public office in Chowan County.

Who picked up on the irony of the farmer's wife? 

I know what you are thinking, but why is this story a Christmas story? Because it happened on Christmas Eve!

Morphing GOAT !!!

Yes, a deviation from the macabre, thought you might enjoy seeing this next edition of the GOAT:

Sell away!