Audience Participation

Weekly readers' numbers are down, I guess I haven't been giving this blog my best work lately and it's not going to happen today; I'm up at 6:15 on a Friday in the finger lakes region of NY and I won't be home until nearly midnight. Therefore this week's column requires your participation.

There is a new vessel in the armada, care to name her? Refresher: the center console is named the CooKeeAnna, so what works for this 14' Old Town? Winners will be rewarded

 (Your caption goes here)

 That is a tattoo, again, please insert caption

 From the Skylight, your description please

I hope you enjoyed your blog this week, I'll try to do better next time, or not. And please pass this along to a friend. FLORIDA on Monday, perhaps a bit warmer?

Mercy Sakes

I used to have a pretty decent Aunt Bee imitation in my repertoire:

"Andeeeeeeeeeeee, make me another pitcher of martinis, and no vermouth! Toooo toooo tootsie good bye, sing with me Opie now dance that little monkey dance I taught you DANCE OPIE DANCE! Andeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, where are those martinis?"

But last week I mentioned the unmentionable, yes there was a serious drug problem in Mayberry and Floyd was the dealer:

Yes, I am completely aware that Craig's imitation of Aunt Bee is better than mine. I drove home from Dallas once and worked on that imitation for about 10 hours, in addition to making a few telephone calls "Hi Barry this is John, John Riley.......I recall you used to like to color."

Rest in Peace Jack Hutchinson, you were a good one. 

Upstate New York next week and if I don't see some warm weather soon I'm going to make a fist and just start swinging it everywhere. 

Two Minute Post

Busy week and weekend ahead, I only have 2 minutes to make this post; hey, you get what you pay for...........no wait, you get for which you are paid.

Ain't they pretty? Jackson and Elizabeth last weekend at the Black Diamond formal. 

I found this right humerus.....................

A picture from an area near and dear when I was a kid. I still recall the smell of that river mud, now I find that it was the chemicals in the water and they grow tumors.

Humor from Bahhhhhhstahhhn; you know, definitely Back Bay Boston, like where Mrs. Wiley thought Ernest T was from............no wait, from whence Mrs. Wiley thought Ernest T....never mind

A very serious accident at a wedding, some thoughts (some from television, some mine of course):

1) I hope the bride wasn't hurt

2) Don't serve flaming alcohol drinks at your wedding

3) The camera-person sure did stay with the shot, never occurred to him to help the poor lady

4) Is there a drink name in here somewhere?

5) That guy's shirt sure did come off fast, kind of like he was waiting for something to happen so that he could remove it

6) Who are they going to get to clean this mess up?

7) Yeah, I know, blame basic cable for a couple of those

8) OK one more; you learned it as a child, stop, drop and roll

From Tennyson:

Half a league, half a league, 
Half a league onward, 
All in the valley of Death 
   Rode the six hundred. 
‘Forward, the Light Brigade! 
Charge for the guns!’ he said: 
Into the valley of Death 
   Rode the six hundred. 
‘Forward, the Light Brigade!’ 
Was there a man dismay’d?
Not tho’ the soldier knew 
   Someone had blunder’d: 
Their’s not to make reply, 
Their’s not to reason why, 
Their’s but to do and die: 
Into the valley of Death 
   Rode the six hundred. 
Cannon to right of them, 
Cannon to left of them, 
Cannon in front of them 
   Volley’d and thunder’d;

Storm’d at with shot and shell, 
Boldly they rode and well, 
Into the jaws of Death, 
Into the mouth of Hell 
   Rode the six hundred. 
Flash’d all their sabres bare, 
Flash’d as they turn’d in air 
Sabring the gunners there, 
Charging an army, while 
   All the world wonder’d: 
Plunged in the battery-smoke 
Right thro’ the line they broke; 
Cossack and Russian 
Reel’d from the sabre-stroke 
Shatter’d and sunder’d. 
Then they rode back, but not 
   Not the six hundred. 
Cannon to right of them, 
Cannon to left of them, 
Cannon behind them 
   Volley’d and thunder’d; 
Storm’d at with shot and shell, 
While horse and hero fell, 
They that had fought so well 
Came thro’ the jaws of Death, 
Back from the mouth of Hell, 
All that was left of them, 
   Left of six hundred. 
When can their glory fade ? 
O the wild charge they made! 
   All the world wonder’d. 
Honour the charge they made! 
Honour the Light Brigade, 
   Noble six hundred!

Seems as though we had to memorize that when I was a kid, we'd all do well to remember it again right now with what's going on in the Ukraine. 

Jackson is on spring break next week and it looks as though he might go to the beach, yea! And that took five minutes, it was as fast as I could type. 

Vidiots

You don't want to read what I have to say anyway, and it's been a busy week in VA, and the upcoming weekend is packed, so let's do as our teachers did decades ago and watch a filmstrip.......................

From Coca-Cola: What? 48 ounces is too a single serving! A commentary on social media......and come on. let's put them down for a little while, shall we?

.....................and you won't lick that "place" while you're wearing it.

And isn't this how most of us learned to dance? No, well you could have fooled me. BTW this video might have an adult theme to it, depends on whether you think the raccoon is dancing or humping. Come to think of it I believe this is illegal in most states. Enjoy, and rest in peace Tim Wilson

It's that time of the year when motorcycles begin reappearing, please look twice; it can happen this fast, or even faster. Better yet, please look three times

If the weather will agree I will be in OH and WV next week, followed by a Presbytery meeting in our home church Sunday. Busy X3, but that's a good thing

Dagnabit

I think that's one of the words Old Roy uses when he gets mad and doesn't want his freakin fans to hear what he really wants to say................. congratulations to him and his team on a well-earned victory last night...........having said that, this picture was in the paper last week, you couldn't look much stupider there coach. Nice gesture, come out and greet the students, all of whom are freezing in the cold for a game which thanks to ESPN was a little too late in postponing. And wearing shorts, nice look

Holy cow she really was a woman:

Mary Grace Canfield passed away this week, Hooterville will never be the same. I still can't get Lisa Douglass out of my mind; she usually wore her nightclothes around all day. Maybe Mr. Haney was selling something other than his junk; I'll let your mind wander on that for a while. 

I hope our associate pastor doesn't mind this re-issue from yesterday. A really funny shot of his daughter and dog on the beach yesterday during one of our first little hints that springtime is on the way.

Rest in peace Sanford Pittman; a great principal and Southern gentleman in every way. 

SWMBO put a picture of us before we got married on Facebook yesterday. As I was in the photograph, the quality of the photograph wasn't very high. The picture on Facebook was retrieved from my wallet, I carry it with me all the time. This picture is in my car all the time; I dare her to put this on the internetwebby thing. Haaaaacheeeeeeeemamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Those of you who remember sweet old Jesse might enjoy this likeness of the best dog ever. Jesse couldn't be shamed like this; however she would disappear if I cursed or looked at the back of the computer or printer. Sure do miss her even today, this dog looks a lot like her with her sloped ears. 

After I went to Mr. Pittman's funeral Wednesday I worked my way home through Rocky Mount and Greenville. A branch manager asked that I call on an e-tailer in town, so as I went out 33 I noticed a hotter than hot Cadillac CTS coupe. It had the upgraded brake package and looked like it could fly. As I pulled up beside it at a traffic light for the second time my tongue was hanging out while I ogled her beautifully styled body up and down. It was at that time I noticed the attractive young lady behind the wheel who was giving me the "you're an creepy creepy creepy old creep" look I've seen many times. Yes, that's a sign of getting old. Notice the car, didn't notice the pretty lady. 

But maybe that will change now, matter of fact, this could be a game-changer.....make that lifestyle changer. All of those years of exercise only to find out I could have been doing this? Screw the elliptical machine and the bicycle; I'm going to the beach. 

Daytona this weekend, go Tony go. Last night while watching the twin 150 races I asked my wife who was her favorite driver, who she wants to win, and who is the best driver of all time? Her answer to each question was you. Think I'll keep her around for another 30-some years. 

Ice Ice Baby

Yes we had some snow and ice this week....again. I messed up, scrubbed a trip to Tennessee and then didn't get home in time; ended up driving in some pretty deep snow using the front air dam of the VW to plow. I'll go out there tomorrow and inspect the damage. Not as bad as Pygmy who is still trying to get home from West Virginia. 

Enough typing, I know it's videos you want to see and I've been saving some up:

The administration at Durham Academy had a little fun with their announcement of closing; wonder how many students at "little Duke" ever heard of Vanilla Ice? And no I could not remember his name and had to look it up. Hope he saved his money

Dogs are always so funny, someone used their imagination here: several of the dogs that had me would have bitten my fingers off doing a trick like this

An oldie but a......... but still funny

A new one on the circuit and very funny, I have to believe alcohol was involved

This reminds me of Tip; they got him the day I came home from the hospital after I was born. He was so friendly (to us) until it was time to feed him. You could kick his bowl and he would snap at you. We fed him scraps, chicken bones, fish guts all of his life. He only lived to be 16.

And a story about alcohol and monkeys, two of my favorite subjects. See if you recognize anyone

I've used a quick-start mixture years ago, seems as though there was some ether in there, or maybe it was ether.........ether way according to the title these country gentlemen used bug spray. Hilarity ensues as the engine finally turns over

This guy checked out this week, this was one of the last times I remember seeing him. The wink at the end is a good way to remember one of the funniest of all time

Happy VD! My sweetie baked a pie for me....................awwwwwwwwww. The best part is the cherry, not her favorite fruit so I get to eat all of it! Pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner

Did I write too much? Took ten minutes this time, and yes I do time myself. In the office this week, and the Daytona garage is open for business

Feeling Self-Wrighteous

Listened to the Howard Stern birthday bash and some old comics on the road this week. So what is your favorite Steven Wright joke? Here are some samples:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

And of course it is a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

If you did not laugh at any of those jokes please seek help. 

And one more: I was walking down the street one day.....wait a second, that wasn't me.

Funny guy, I hope that made you smile; please add to the list if you would like. And I would like....

Saw this guy at a truck stop Thursday night, I haven't a clue as to who he was but he seemed honored that I took the picture

New baby in the stall, hope SWMBO doesn't mind clearing out so that the new one doesn't get wet. OK, she's not new, far from it.....14 years old

.......and another from the "you can't make this stuff up" file. There are several one-liners that could go with this caption, feel free to be the next joke writer

And I know I've shown this picture before but it is one of my favorites.....what a good dog....and son

This is one of the funniest pictures I've ever seen, but it takes a little thought, all right, a little bit more than a little thought. I'm thinking my optical acquaintances can figure it out....who is he pointing that single shot rifle at? And yes I know I'm not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition......in................ 

I'm thinking either WV or Cedar Island

And our next door neighbor made the evening news, thank you PEDRO I hope I never have to use you

GREAT week in SC, our new rep is this guy
http://crosslandfishing.com/

• Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
  • Ranked #20 in the "100 Movie Quotes" list

I'm looking forward to it., # 20 huh? Nice young man that my friend Justin hired, and Justin never makes mistakes

Super Bowl: I predicted a score of 40 or 45 to 10. Just had the wrong team picked so I guess I just pushed my retirement back to the year 2525. Hope I make it that long.

TN and western NC next week