Do It Your Self

February 2, 2013

Busy week, write your own captions

Here, I'll start

Next door neighbor's car; not enough that he flies Pedro, he also has this Panoz race car and a stainless Cobra repli-car 

Recorded this in my hotel room in Dallas, you might need to put the buds in to hear it, what is funny is Steve's comment at the end. 

Yes, stainless

Two dogs in complete control of the pickup at Wal-Mart, complete control. They looked happy.

Say WHAT one more time, sorry, can't get past the murder thing. I hope the 50 minus one team beat the black birds. (Did I say Blackbirds)? Listen for it Sunday too. 

Rocking Rod in Hawaii, my hero

Good time in Dallas this week but I did not accomplish the goals I set. Dink has been twisted up, OK, I threw her out of her wheelchair and then tried to run over her. Sprained ankle and sucking up ALL of the oxygen in the room, her prognosis is she may possibly become a spoiled diva.   

In Florida all next week, let me know if you want some fruit, or wrinkled up Yankees. I'm guessing the fruit has a better chance.

A Little More Time This Week

January 25, 2013

I worked in South and North Carolina this week and got home on Wednesday night rather than late in the week, so maybe this effort will be a little better. Well the effort will be better, we'll have to see about the results.

Thought about this guy...................

............when I saw this guy died. Can you figure out a connection? Neither can I, but there is a joke in there somewhere which deals with Eb saying "DAD" and Conrad Bain saying "I'm not your father" Help complete this thought please.................It's in there somewhere. 

 

Found this at a customer's in Florence SC, yeah go figure, the caption said "when you're in deep shit look straight ahead, act like you know what you're doing, and keep your mouth shut." That must be from the Old Testament. 

Found this picture while looking for something else, I do that a lot; decided to write a song about it. Its called "THIS Is How You Solve a Problem Like Maria"

In other news scientists are investigating how to put digital information into your DNA. If you're still trying to come up with the joke from Green Acres you can rest....for a bit. No kidding, here it is from the New York Times:

Download It to My DNA: Scientists have found a way to store data on fragments of DNA, a technique that eventually may provide a way to handle the overwhelming data of the digital age, reports The Wall Street Journal. In anexperiment published in the journal Nature, scientists used DNA to store an audio clip of Martin Luther King Jr.'s “I Have a Dream” speech, Shakespeare’s 154 sonnets and other data. They later were able to retrieve them with 99.99 percent accuracy. While current data storage methods can degrade or require a constant supply of electricity, DNA is stable and durable and could be used as a storage device for thousands of years. A cup of DNA theoretically could store about 100 million hours of high-definition video.

What do you want in your DNA? I thought a copy of "Video Killed The Radio Star" would be appropriate. No video posted, sorry, you all know what that song sounds like, and you're probably humming it right now, and for the rest of the day. 

I heard you on the wireless back in Fifty Two 
Lying awake intent at tuning in on you. 
If I was young it didn't stop you coming through.

No no no, you're welcome!

Anyone out there I haven't offended lately? How about the District of Columbia? I read this week where a group of Native Americans sued because they considered the NFL team Washington Redskins an offensive term. Seems as though the owners are considering changing the name to the Maryland Redskins.......................ba boom!

And in other writing good tips:

• Profanity sucks
• One word sentences? Eliminate!
• Analogies are like feathers on a snake

And from 30 Rock:

Q: How are you doing?

A: I'm doing good...........

A2: Batman does good, you're doing well!

Thanks Miss Murk.

Now tell us about the hens and prostitutes.

Still working on the Eb/Conrad Bain joke? Yeah, me too; but everytime I think of Green Acres I think of Mrs. Douglas walking around in next to nothing, and no one ever noticed except Ralph Monroe, and he was a she. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Off to Dallas this weekend, lots to do and I would appreciate a good luck wish.

Lance No Pants

January 17, 2013

Limited time again for yet another quick post from snowy Maryland

Got a flu-ridden Jackson back to school last Sunday, the good news is that he's feeling better. Now to clean all those germs out of the house.

The new bike will be coming to Morehead Sunday afternoon. Can't wait, pictures next week? Maybe. Ever wonder what the Beatles would sound like if they recorded with Led Zeppelin? Sure you have, take a listen          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPuyLJl83fM

Speaking of bikes, I saw in the news where Lance Armstrong was confessing to Oprah Winfrey. I'm sure there are a lot of cynics and comics who have prepared jokes, but at least he had the ball to tell the truth....................

Here's a short video of Jackson's new dorm room, pretty nice

In NC and SC next week

How To Write Good

January 11, 2013

Tip number 1: Avoid alliteration. Always.

Tip number 2: Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And so on, I got a million of them. 

From George Takei:

More lunacy from Beaufort:

And this was taken by the author in Wilmington NC this week. I had a Toyota Celica many years ago, it was an ST coupe my girlfriend described as "not canary yellow, more of canary turd yellow." No those words didn't scar me much. Anyway in 1975 or so they came out with the GT fastback and I thought it was one of the prettiest cars I'd ever seen. Time has a way of changing your views on objects like this; the photo doesn't show it well but there is a full size spare tire strapped to the trunk lid of this thing of beauty. 

And now you will know why Keelyn is being taught to politely say "that was an amusing story." 

Careful, her laughter is contagious

Not sure where next week will lead me, but I'm planning to make it worthwhile, hope you do as well. Taking Jackson back to HSC Sunday. 

Ultra Super Fast Post

January 4, 2012....................errrrrrrrrrrrrr 3

Less than 5 minutes on this post because I really don't have much of a life, let's do this in bullet form:

• great time with the Highs on NYE, as promised, no pictures! We played it a little more low-key than in past years, the Fishin Optishin provided shrimp and grits which were very tasty. Lots of fun and he has a new toy to play with in the bathtub.And I have a nice new fishing rod that I'm sure will be productive in 2012.........errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 3
• Dragging, kicking and screaming, we are ready to enter the world of the flat screen television. This is our collective gift to one another, any recommendations? In reality TAR has one in our bedroom, Jackson has one for his dorm, but this will be the first "big one." Wish us luck.
• Looking at the best candidate for the replacement motorcycle tomorrow in Oriental. Now if I could just get him to trade me for the yellow boat and my baseball card collection......
• SC next week, back in time to sit in judgement of Senior Projects at West Carteret High School. Yes I know, why me? I figure they're scraping the bottom of the barrel now, but I've done it before and it is always fun.
• Lastly, a rare infant picture of the Fishin Optishin. Oops, forgot no pictures, my bad. 

Ultra Fast Post

December 28, 2012

No, the world didn't blow up, but I still love Marvin the Martian; take me to your leader you silly ET

The 1978 BMW left last weekend for her new home in Canton, OH. I miss her already. Where is the next one? Cary? Oriental? Swanannoa? Don't know if the next one will be another sport touring RT1150 or the C1200 Bond bike. Stay tuned.

Oh, and Merry Christmas; don't want to spoil any Christmas secrets, but now you know where peppermint balls originate. My wife shared this with me, I normally don't subscribe to scatological humor. 

And we had a fun Christmas with family and friends. Jay, Jackson and I went to the Belk Bowl and although Duke lost it was a great time and an exciting game. 

Next week: the Highs visit for New Years Eve and there will be no pictures! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This Post Is A Day Early, But Why?

December 20, 2012

Why indeed! Probably because according to the Mayan calendar the earth ends tomorrow. If they were so smart then why didn't they foresee the end of their own empire? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Anyway, here is the weather forecast for this week:

With apologies to The Divnyls, the group who sang this song twenty-one years ago. Yes, I had to look that up, and it is hard to believe that was in 1991. Catchy tune, try not to think about it. 

Always good to see a picture of these three people when they're not ducking under a funeral tent. The occasion was Betsy's son's wedding reception. Very nice, but I'll always remember that night listening to Duke drive down the field to beat the professional team from Chapel Hell. 

A living nativity scene from First Presbyterian church of Sanford. Jay is performing as one of the wise men, a real stretch for a Riley, while Cooper plays the shepherd who waves at cars as they pass. Speaking of automobiles in the Bible; wonder if they came in one Accord? Speaking of Biblical jokes, I'll never forget the one our Sanford pastor told me one night: When was menopause mentioned in the Bible? After Christ was born Mary and Joseph had to leave to escape Herod and she rode his ass all the way to Egypt. Hit "like" if you know what that is like.......................oops, forgot this isn't Facebook. And I guess I forgot how to operate my I-pad, oops, not an I-pad it's an Etch-A-Sketch, and oops, looks like we're out of scotch. 

Last week on SNL there was a children's choir who sang "Silent Night." Difficult to listen to  the last two lines without thinking about those poor children and their families in Connecticut. What is wrong with us? And Tina Fey was on there briefly, always stay for that smirk on 30 Rock, last season you know. 

So to cheer myself up, I went to see our church preschool's Christmas play. Funny to watch these preschool children and be reminded of our own sons' contemporaries. I even saw a couple of children who reminded me of kids I knew as a child. Enjoy, and pay particular attention to the two young ladies in the front who seem to have their own thing going. 

In the words of Lennon "and so this is Christmas", as a reminder, just in case the Earth still exists Friday, there are only three shopping days until Christmas, so get out there and buy those gift cards quickly before they're all gone; kind of our way of saying "buy it your damn self" 

Merry Christmas