Feeling Self-Wrighteous

Listened to the Howard Stern birthday bash and some old comics on the road this week. So what is your favorite Steven Wright joke? Here are some samples:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

And of course it is a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

If you did not laugh at any of those jokes please seek help. 

And one more: I was walking down the street one day.....wait a second, that wasn't me.

Funny guy, I hope that made you smile; please add to the list if you would like. And I would like....

Saw this guy at a truck stop Thursday night, I haven't a clue as to who he was but he seemed honored that I took the picture

New baby in the stall, hope SWMBO doesn't mind clearing out so that the new one doesn't get wet. OK, she's not new, far from it.....14 years old

.......and another from the "you can't make this stuff up" file. There are several one-liners that could go with this caption, feel free to be the next joke writer

And I know I've shown this picture before but it is one of my favorites.....what a good dog....and son

This is one of the funniest pictures I've ever seen, but it takes a little thought, all right, a little bit more than a little thought. I'm thinking my optical acquaintances can figure it out....who is he pointing that single shot rifle at? And yes I know I'm not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition......in................ 

I'm thinking either WV or Cedar Island

And our next door neighbor made the evening news, thank you PEDRO I hope I never have to use you

GREAT week in SC, our new rep is this guy
http://crosslandfishing.com/

• Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
  • Ranked #20 in the "100 Movie Quotes" list

I'm looking forward to it., # 20 huh? Nice young man that my friend Justin hired, and Justin never makes mistakes

Super Bowl: I predicted a score of 40 or 45 to 10. Just had the wrong team picked so I guess I just pushed my retirement back to the year 2525. Hope I make it that long.

TN and western NC next week